I see therapy as a way of organizing your inner world and the feelings that get stuck there. This is not an easy process, especially because many of us have not been shown how to deal with our emotions, or have never had the experience of emotional attunement to understand its importance. What we learn to do is to cope on our own with distress, which is too heavy of a load for the nervous system. Many of us do not have the experience of a caregiver helping us with our emotions as children. Have you ever had the stressful experience of being told not to cry, that your anger isn't welcome, to pull yourself up and focus on the task, not how you feel about it, being yelled at for expressing sadness, or being ignored for "behaving badly"? As children we get these messages, even if these words are not explicitly used. Without feeling understood emotionally, we learn to cope in a variety of ways to feel better immediately. We learn to rely on ourselves to feel better in these moments, when we actually need help with our painful feelings, even deserve the help. Without validation, we learn to turn away from others, away from our feelings, or become easily defensive because managing the discomfort alone is too painful. 

Fast forward many years, and you become an adult who continues to use the same coping strategy - because it has worked in making you feel better. The only problem is in your most important relationship, it gets you in trouble. You are not trying to cause trouble, far from it! But that very coping strategy that helped you feel better as a child, sends a different signal to your partner. What you are trying to do is manage your own distress, but the signals get crossed, and you end up sending a message about them or what the other did wrong. This happens for two reasons. First, you do not have healthy experience in communicating your emotions. Second, you are carrying around emotional baggage (researchers like Bessel van der Kolk have shown that unresolved trauma is stored in the body).

It does not have to be this way. Learning to use your emotional muscle takes practice, and it pays off. Through Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, you can learn to cope relationally, so that in your worst moments, you can have confidence that you will receive help from your love. It's amazing that with love, the weight of your distress does not double when you share it. What you are left with is a sense of relief, feeling understood, and feeling connected. Your nervous system actually thanks you for it. AND, if you are curious about the energy component, there is a method that may allow you to use your emotional muscles more easily, by first eliminating the weight of the emotional baggage. 

I want to start a movement! When the couples I work with start to feel safe, I know that not only are they getting practice in re-connecting with their most important person (each other!), they are also able to transfer the emotional skills to use with others they love too. And spreading more love in this world feels pretty important to me! 

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