Who's Really Winning the Arguments?

(Written for The Willow School NJ Wellness Newsletter for Parents)

In one corner, here you are, already tired, a little sweaty, and holding onto the frustration that the laundry was left overnight in the laundry machine. Again.

In the other corner, we have your partner, running on caffeine and good intentions, convinced they did their part and a little confused about how this turned into that.

The bell rings.

Arms start swinging. Words fly fast and sharp. A jab here. A defensive block there. Someone walks away with a bruised ego and someone else with a metaphorical black eye.

So, who wins this fight?

The Cycle.

You didn’t see that coming, did you?

Here’s the truth: when couples argue, even about something small, there’s a third “player” that jumps into the ring. I call it The Cycle.

The Cycle is the pattern that takes over when you and your partner are stressed and in conflict. Conflict with your most important person causes your brain to shift into survival mode. The more primitive parts take the lead, and you revert to old coping strategies, without even realizing it.

Often, one partner will come across as criticizing and blaming, while the other seems distant or avoidant. But underneath those behaviors is a very different story. 

Think back for a moment.

When you were a child and felt overwhelmed, how did you cope? Did you hide in your room, get louder, or try to control the situation?

We all learned ways to manage big feelings early on. And at the time, they worked. What no one tells us is that these strategies have an expiration date. When they show up in adult relationships, they stop working because they don’t clearly communicate what we’re feeling.

Let’s step back into the ring:

It’s a school morning, and you’re in charge of getting the kids ready and out of the door. You and your partner previously talked about them leaving early for work. But your child melts down. Shoes won’t go on. Time is ticking, and your partner is heading out of the door.

“Bye,” they say.

You respond with a look. You know the one.

“Bye,” you say back.

Now, let’s pause and look at what each of you think is happening.

You think your partner is thinking: Can’t you handle this? Work is my priority, so I have to go.

Your partner thinks you are thinking: You never do enough. You need to stay and do more.

But this is what’s actually happening on the inside:

You: I’m overwhelmed! I’m panicking about being late. I can’t do this alone right now. I am scared I can’t handle this.

Partner: I’m anxious about work. I don’t want to let you down. I tried to prepare. All I do – it’s never enough.

Because the overwhelm and anxiety weren’t spoken out loud, the space gets filled with stories, painful stories that confirm our deepest fears.

I’m not important.

I’m not enough.

These stories hurt, so we push them away. And the next morning? The Cycle is ready to jump back into the ring.

Your partner may start doing whatever they can to avoid that look. You may carry a quiet resentment about feeling taken for granted. Neither of you is wrong to feel this way, but you’re stuck in a loop where you’re recreating the same fight: a fight where The Cycle splits you on to different teams.

So what can you do?

One option is to revisit what happened later on, when things are calm, and share what was going on for you on the inside. 

“I realize I sent you that look this morning. What I was really feeling was overwhelmed and anxious about getting the kids to the car on time. When you left, it felt like you didn’t care that I was drowning.”

And then you ask your partner: “Was that your intention?”

Your partner might respond with, “I am so glad you told me. That would be really painful to feel like I didn’t care. No, that is not my intention. I was anxious about work and worried about letting you down too.”

This is what it looks like to step back into the ring, take off the gloves, and speak from the heart.

When you do that, something powerful happens.

You beat The Cycle. 

And this time, you win together.

Kiri Jimerson is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. The concept of The Cycle comes from the work of Sue Johnson and Emotionally Focused Therapy.